Dear Feeder, I'd just like to thank you
For supplying the cake and the sweets
Those biscuits you bought were delicious
You know that I 'do like a treat'
When I say, 'it's no good, I must diet'
You always support me - each time
But you seem to forget when you're shopping
And buy me malteesers - that's fine.
But...
I do wish that you could remember
With a house full of treats - it's so hard
Especially when I say, 'use fry light'
And you secretly cook it in lard!
I've put on 5 stone since I met you
But you look no different at all
I can't find clothes that will fit me
I had friends - but they no longer call
And when I tell you of my distress
On you, I can always rely
To nip out to the shops and come back with...
An enormous, family size pie!
Dear Feeder, it's taken me ages
To really come out of my shell
And I don't want to go back inside it
Mind you, that probably won't fit as well!
So thank you for upgrading my meals
Super size was more filling, you're right
And the large pizza you bought me 'by accident'
Was finished off - all in one night
For the fry-ups, the nachos, the take-outs
The chocolates, double helpings of pud
The ice cream, the waffles, the pancakes
Yes, they really did all taste so good.
Dear Feeder, it's time I took action
I have to take all of the blame
I know that you just want to keep me
But thinner I'll be just the same
So, Dear Feeder, no more excuses
No more 'just one last treat'
No more 'let's start on Monday'
No more 'let's start next week'
Dear Feeder, I'm putting my foot down,
The tremors measure 7.4
Dear Feeder, I'm going to do it
Dear Feeder you'll stop me no more.
Day - 10 years
If I lie down like this with one leg up
If i twist slightly onto one side
If i jump up and down while I'm pulling
If I don't breathe at all... no I'll die
If I lie down and wiggle my bottom
If I stand up and stretch out my legs
If I leave open, just the top button
Or slide down the zipper instead
If I never wash you again
Will you help me?
Or how about I just don't take you off?
Please jeans, you must still fit me
I'd rather die trying than admit you do not.
Wednesday, 5 January 2011
Wednesday, 29 December 2010
Many, many days later...
Forgive me Weight Watchers for I have sinned, it's been one hundred thousand malteesers since my last confession.
I don't really know where to start Father Atkins, in this slimming world I seem to be defying the laws of physics and small, circular, sugary delights have started to orbit me, so large now is my circumfrance.
My first confession must be that I did not see through my diet, and infact invented a new kind of diet where is is okay to put on an extra 2 stones in weight. Your last punishment of 4 jam roly polies and a chocolate treat may have been the start of that slippery slope.
My second confession is this, and only dukan understand me, I have lost the will, the way, but not the weight.
For my self esteem, my happiness, and most of all my children please don't send me to coventry, send me to cambridge, diet there for evermore. Amenage of puddings.
Day minus what feels like foreever.
Hello happy me, I still remember the heat rising through my body, the euphoria of slipping on a pair of size 16 trousers and the zipper sliding up with ease. I smilled broadly and proudly at myself in the changing room mirror, how apt - a changing room. I congratulated myself, through teary eyes, as I span around in circles admiring myself from every angle. I'd lost over 2 stone but I would never really know, until much later, what i'd sacrificed to do it.
Today
Not the start of anything, not the end of anything, just the confessions of a fat lass.
I don't really know where to start Father Atkins, in this slimming world I seem to be defying the laws of physics and small, circular, sugary delights have started to orbit me, so large now is my circumfrance.
My first confession must be that I did not see through my diet, and infact invented a new kind of diet where is is okay to put on an extra 2 stones in weight. Your last punishment of 4 jam roly polies and a chocolate treat may have been the start of that slippery slope.
My second confession is this, and only dukan understand me, I have lost the will, the way, but not the weight.
For my self esteem, my happiness, and most of all my children please don't send me to coventry, send me to cambridge, diet there for evermore. Amenage of puddings.
Day minus what feels like foreever.
Hello happy me, I still remember the heat rising through my body, the euphoria of slipping on a pair of size 16 trousers and the zipper sliding up with ease. I smilled broadly and proudly at myself in the changing room mirror, how apt - a changing room. I congratulated myself, through teary eyes, as I span around in circles admiring myself from every angle. I'd lost over 2 stone but I would never really know, until much later, what i'd sacrificed to do it.
Today
Not the start of anything, not the end of anything, just the confessions of a fat lass.
Monday, 29 March 2010
Day 6
- 5 lb
I'm still on the diet. I'm still in a bad mood with the diet. And I still do not wish to talk about the diet. Maybe I will turn a corner next week and feel the need to document my every mouthfull, but I very much doubt it. Me and the diet, do not get on!
When did I suddendly become so fat that people stopped feeling the need to tell me that I am? A few years ago a month wouldn't pass by where some kind citizen of the street wouldn't feel the need to remind me, "Oi Fatty" or my favourtie, just plain old, "Fat Cow". It's really died down recently...
I knew I was REALLY FAT When...
1. The sofa or the kitchen draw was no longer the fist place my family looked for their missing things: "Are you sat on my..." "Not again!"
2. Small children started doing circuit training for sport reflif, by doing laps, around me!
3. I bent over the in supermarket, to pick something off the bottom shelf, and my bottom knocked something off the shelves on the other side of the isle!
4. Even my socks don't fit me anymore.
5. One size fits all was minus four stones ago!
Day -8 years ago, age 19
I'm almost back at the flat, what a walk, I feel great. I just have to walk past the four take away shops and I'm done - yipee! A car draws up next to me, I assume they want directions so I look their way. A man leans out of the back window and shows me his bag of chips "Oi Fatty, fancy a chip?" I say the first, and most obvious thing that springs to mind, "Yes please!" No, I didn't, I said the second thing that sprang to mind and that was "Fuck off, Prick."
Meals on wheels drive off and I'm just about to put the key in the door when... A bag of chips and curry sauce hit me in the back, accompanied by the words: "Hungry, fatty?"
Day 6
Mmmmm, chips.
I'm still on the diet. I'm still in a bad mood with the diet. And I still do not wish to talk about the diet. Maybe I will turn a corner next week and feel the need to document my every mouthfull, but I very much doubt it. Me and the diet, do not get on!
When did I suddendly become so fat that people stopped feeling the need to tell me that I am? A few years ago a month wouldn't pass by where some kind citizen of the street wouldn't feel the need to remind me, "Oi Fatty" or my favourtie, just plain old, "Fat Cow". It's really died down recently...
I knew I was REALLY FAT When...
1. The sofa or the kitchen draw was no longer the fist place my family looked for their missing things: "Are you sat on my..." "Not again!"
2. Small children started doing circuit training for sport reflif, by doing laps, around me!
3. I bent over the in supermarket, to pick something off the bottom shelf, and my bottom knocked something off the shelves on the other side of the isle!
4. Even my socks don't fit me anymore.
5. One size fits all was minus four stones ago!
Day -8 years ago, age 19
I'm almost back at the flat, what a walk, I feel great. I just have to walk past the four take away shops and I'm done - yipee! A car draws up next to me, I assume they want directions so I look their way. A man leans out of the back window and shows me his bag of chips "Oi Fatty, fancy a chip?" I say the first, and most obvious thing that springs to mind, "Yes please!" No, I didn't, I said the second thing that sprang to mind and that was "Fuck off, Prick."
Meals on wheels drive off and I'm just about to put the key in the door when... A bag of chips and curry sauce hit me in the back, accompanied by the words: "Hungry, fatty?"
Day 6
Mmmmm, chips.
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Day 2
Day 2
How many points are in that. Notice the missing question mark, because this is not actually a question, more of an accusation. Does anyone else know one of these people?
My person has quite a few supportive phrases now I come to think of it:
1. How many points are in that.
2. I thought you were on a diet.
3. What sort of diet lets you eat that.
4. Shall we just share a sandwich?
5. Half a scone is enough for me.
etc, etc
What's all this shall we just share a sandwich? I've more than likely already waited till mid-afternoon to eat anything because my 'person' is totally stuffed from the bowl of Branflakes they had this morning. And now they want us to share a sandwich! If I say no it's like admitting, that I am actually, very fat.
Day - about 6 weeks ago
I'm just walking into the church hall, there is a charity event on and lots of different stalls, cakes, tombola, raffle, nothing out of the ordinary. I am looking for my 'persons' stall as they said they've had a really novel idea.
And there, in front of me, a sight to behold, a life size cut out of me with a sign saying 'Guess the Weight'. My mouth has only ever been so wide open when I tried to put 16 Pringles in... in one go.
Then I woke up.
The day before, my 'person' had asked me: "When you are a size 14, or whatever it is you want to be, will you tell me how much you weigh now? I've been trying to work it out and it's definitely more than (a person we both know) and you're a size 24 aren't you? That's bigger than Fern Britton ever was, but if you do weigh what I'm thinking then you really do need to be on this diet."
FACT: That is what I have to put up with.
And I wonder why my only mail today was addressed: 'To a Pizza Lover'.
Day 2
How many points are in that? A lot less now I've pushed half of it down your throat!
And what they were actually saying:
1. You're fat.
2. You're fat.
3. You're still fat, even though you're on a diet.
4. I'm not fat, but you are.
5. I'm not fat, and I never will be... fatty.
How many points are in that. Notice the missing question mark, because this is not actually a question, more of an accusation. Does anyone else know one of these people?
My person has quite a few supportive phrases now I come to think of it:
1. How many points are in that.
2. I thought you were on a diet.
3. What sort of diet lets you eat that.
4. Shall we just share a sandwich?
5. Half a scone is enough for me.
etc, etc
What's all this shall we just share a sandwich? I've more than likely already waited till mid-afternoon to eat anything because my 'person' is totally stuffed from the bowl of Branflakes they had this morning. And now they want us to share a sandwich! If I say no it's like admitting, that I am actually, very fat.
Day - about 6 weeks ago
I'm just walking into the church hall, there is a charity event on and lots of different stalls, cakes, tombola, raffle, nothing out of the ordinary. I am looking for my 'persons' stall as they said they've had a really novel idea.
And there, in front of me, a sight to behold, a life size cut out of me with a sign saying 'Guess the Weight'. My mouth has only ever been so wide open when I tried to put 16 Pringles in... in one go.
Then I woke up.
The day before, my 'person' had asked me: "When you are a size 14, or whatever it is you want to be, will you tell me how much you weigh now? I've been trying to work it out and it's definitely more than (a person we both know) and you're a size 24 aren't you? That's bigger than Fern Britton ever was, but if you do weigh what I'm thinking then you really do need to be on this diet."
FACT: That is what I have to put up with.
And I wonder why my only mail today was addressed: 'To a Pizza Lover'.
Day 2
How many points are in that? A lot less now I've pushed half of it down your throat!
And what they were actually saying:
1. You're fat.
2. You're fat.
3. You're still fat, even though you're on a diet.
4. I'm not fat, but you are.
5. I'm not fat, and I never will be... fatty.
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Day 1 AKA Groundhog Day
Day 1
I really did start today, and despite temptation looming around every corner, it really is so far so good.
Although, the day was not without incident.
I had to do some DIY today, nothing too serious just a bit of drilling. Of course I had a 'Helpful' Bystander, because what DIY project would be complete without one of those?
Scene 1:
'Helpful' Bystander: You're quite flexible considering...
Me: Considering what?
'Helpful Bystander': I wasn't being funny, just saying, you're flexible considering your size.
Me: Ah yes, my size, well I am one of the lucky one's you know. When people get as fat as me they are usually punished by loosing the ability to bend over...
Helpful Bystander: Well you do have a lot of [WARNING: TERRIBLE INTRUSIVE MOVE ABOUT TO HAPPEN] excess round the middle...
And with that, 'Helpful Bystander' actually grabbed a roll of flab around my stomach.
A FLAB GRABBER!
I couldn't believe it, the indignity. There in no acceptable reason for grabbing someone wlse's flab, none. Now obviously I know 'Helpful Bystander' very well so I didn't want to make a scene but I am so cross! Who grabs someone else's flab? Hands off, that's mine, it's taken me 20 years of almost constant eating to get where I am, if you want flab to grab - get your own! And anyway there was a doughnut tucked in there for later....
Day -12 Years Age 15
I'm a size 14, which must have looked enormous compared to my classmates as most were a 6 or 8 with the odd 10 thrown in for good measure. I really tried my best to pick school clothes that would be flattering, since year 8 I'd been getting called names such as 'tree trunk legs', 'thunder thighs' and 'hamster face.' But today, today something was said that added a whole new dimension to my body image. It was all thanks to Michael M - yes him again.
I was in maths walking past the boys desks, obviously they all sat together at the back, when Micheal M piped up: " Well you know what they said lads: More belly, more boobs!"
I was horrified, yet oddly thrilled.
I pondered on this phrase the whole weekend long, and the following weekend went and bought an item of clothing that changed my body image for years to come... A little something called a 'Wonderbra!' If it's boobs they want, I thought to myself, then it's boobs they will get!
Day 1
FLAB GRABBERS: Remember - it's not pretty, it's not funny but most of all it's not yours!
I really did start today, and despite temptation looming around every corner, it really is so far so good.
Although, the day was not without incident.
I had to do some DIY today, nothing too serious just a bit of drilling. Of course I had a 'Helpful' Bystander, because what DIY project would be complete without one of those?
Scene 1:
'Helpful' Bystander: You're quite flexible considering...
Me: Considering what?
'Helpful Bystander': I wasn't being funny, just saying, you're flexible considering your size.
Me: Ah yes, my size, well I am one of the lucky one's you know. When people get as fat as me they are usually punished by loosing the ability to bend over...
Helpful Bystander: Well you do have a lot of [WARNING: TERRIBLE INTRUSIVE MOVE ABOUT TO HAPPEN] excess round the middle...
And with that, 'Helpful Bystander' actually grabbed a roll of flab around my stomach.
A FLAB GRABBER!
I couldn't believe it, the indignity. There in no acceptable reason for grabbing someone wlse's flab, none. Now obviously I know 'Helpful Bystander' very well so I didn't want to make a scene but I am so cross! Who grabs someone else's flab? Hands off, that's mine, it's taken me 20 years of almost constant eating to get where I am, if you want flab to grab - get your own! And anyway there was a doughnut tucked in there for later....
Day -12 Years Age 15
I'm a size 14, which must have looked enormous compared to my classmates as most were a 6 or 8 with the odd 10 thrown in for good measure. I really tried my best to pick school clothes that would be flattering, since year 8 I'd been getting called names such as 'tree trunk legs', 'thunder thighs' and 'hamster face.' But today, today something was said that added a whole new dimension to my body image. It was all thanks to Michael M - yes him again.
I was in maths walking past the boys desks, obviously they all sat together at the back, when Micheal M piped up: " Well you know what they said lads: More belly, more boobs!"
I was horrified, yet oddly thrilled.
I pondered on this phrase the whole weekend long, and the following weekend went and bought an item of clothing that changed my body image for years to come... A little something called a 'Wonderbra!' If it's boobs they want, I thought to myself, then it's boobs they will get!
Day 1
FLAB GRABBERS: Remember - it's not pretty, it's not funny but most of all it's not yours!
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
Day 2
It's Day 2 of my new start.
I'm not discussing Day 1 as there were a couple of incidents, or should I call it unfinished business to attend to?
You and me chocolate bar, outside, NOW!
So Day 2 is the new Day 1 and it hasn't been so bad.
Mmmmmmmm.... On reflection maybe Day 3 should be the new Day 1 because now I get to thinking about it I did have two breakfasts.
So Day 3, the first day of the new me, I can't wait. It was good to have you Day 1 and Day 2 as my practise runs but I'm all for going for it tomorrow. Day 3, the first Day of the rest of my life.....
Day -5 or 6 years.
My mum has come to visit me at uni. I'm totally thrilled, I love it when she comes up here to see me. She loves me to give her the guided tour, so off we go.... We're having a brilliant day.
I'm feeling quite good about myself, I've been doing lots and lots of walking and even my super fit mum is impressed at the pace I'm holding.
It's all going well... until... "Ey Michelle McManus sing us a song ya fat cow" I look around and there is no Michelle McManus in sight, but I do catch my reflection in the shop window and that of man who shouted.
He's laughing "Yeah, I'm talking to you... and he proceeded to sing her song at me." I have to explain to my mum why he's called me that. We via off down a side street and I start to cry. I try my best to pull it together but I just want to go home. All I want is to go unnoticed, there are fatter people than me around, (not that they deserve any abuse I might add) so why do I always seem to fall prey to it? My mum is very upset, she tries to encourage me, you've been doing really well, don't let people like that put you off. But when she goes home the next day I go straight to the shop and buy a big bar of chocolate, after all what's the point? I am fat.
Day 2 I feel quite sad now.
I'm not discussing Day 1 as there were a couple of incidents, or should I call it unfinished business to attend to?
You and me chocolate bar, outside, NOW!
So Day 2 is the new Day 1 and it hasn't been so bad.
Mmmmmmmm.... On reflection maybe Day 3 should be the new Day 1 because now I get to thinking about it I did have two breakfasts.
So Day 3, the first day of the new me, I can't wait. It was good to have you Day 1 and Day 2 as my practise runs but I'm all for going for it tomorrow. Day 3, the first Day of the rest of my life.....
Day -5 or 6 years.
My mum has come to visit me at uni. I'm totally thrilled, I love it when she comes up here to see me. She loves me to give her the guided tour, so off we go.... We're having a brilliant day.
I'm feeling quite good about myself, I've been doing lots and lots of walking and even my super fit mum is impressed at the pace I'm holding.
It's all going well... until... "Ey Michelle McManus sing us a song ya fat cow" I look around and there is no Michelle McManus in sight, but I do catch my reflection in the shop window and that of man who shouted.
He's laughing "Yeah, I'm talking to you... and he proceeded to sing her song at me." I have to explain to my mum why he's called me that. We via off down a side street and I start to cry. I try my best to pull it together but I just want to go home. All I want is to go unnoticed, there are fatter people than me around, (not that they deserve any abuse I might add) so why do I always seem to fall prey to it? My mum is very upset, she tries to encourage me, you've been doing really well, don't let people like that put you off. But when she goes home the next day I go straight to the shop and buy a big bar of chocolate, after all what's the point? I am fat.
Day 2 I feel quite sad now.
Sunday, 21 March 2010
Day -1 And still counting
Day -1
I'm feeling rather apprehensive about tomorrow.
I'm also salivating at the thought of the Easter Eggs that I've had put so far out of reach I'd need to bring a ladder in to get them. And yes, I have tried this strange technique which is a mix of out of sight out of mind, and look at us we're up here, find us, open us, eat us, before and ended up with Easter Egg on my face. Note to oneself: Sellotaping wooden spoons together does not reach the back, of the top of, the cupboard, and sellotaping wooden spoons together with a fork on the end just makes for a fork in the eye. Yet strangely I'm not put off.
Speaking of Easter Eggs....
Day -14 I've bought all my Easter Eggs now, I'll put them in the wardrobe, forget they are there and that's a job well done.
Day -13 3/4 Easter Eggs, that's alright I'll just get another one tomorrow.
Day -12 2/4 Easter Eggs, Oh dear, I said I wasn't going to do this again this year, I should have left it later to buy them.
Day -11 0/4 Easter Eggs left.
Day -4 years, age 23.
My mum has been ages in the changing room of a very posh and expensive ladies clothes shop. This shop only goes up to a size 14 so I'm hanging around trying not to look too out of place. It's so embarrassing being 4 sizes bigger than the biggest size this shop offers. I spot a comfortable chair and set up camp, DRINKING WATER! My mum looks beautiful in the dress she's picked for my graduation, so we decide to leave. That's my mum, her new dress, myself and.... oh... I appear to be carrying some excess baggage... the chair I was/am still sitting on but now sitting on in an upright position.
I admit I've had a few close calls over the years, with chairs that is. I know at my hairdressers there are certain seats I must avoid for fear of becoming a permanent fixture. I know that deckchairs can also create trouble should I decided not to teeter on the end and go for the full recline. But never, no never, have I ever before got stuck in a chair. Not until today. Am I fat?
Day -1 Wish me luck for tomorrow, I think I'm going to need it.
I'm feeling rather apprehensive about tomorrow.
I'm also salivating at the thought of the Easter Eggs that I've had put so far out of reach I'd need to bring a ladder in to get them. And yes, I have tried this strange technique which is a mix of out of sight out of mind, and look at us we're up here, find us, open us, eat us, before and ended up with Easter Egg on my face. Note to oneself: Sellotaping wooden spoons together does not reach the back, of the top of, the cupboard, and sellotaping wooden spoons together with a fork on the end just makes for a fork in the eye. Yet strangely I'm not put off.
Speaking of Easter Eggs....
Day -14 I've bought all my Easter Eggs now, I'll put them in the wardrobe, forget they are there and that's a job well done.
Day -13 3/4 Easter Eggs, that's alright I'll just get another one tomorrow.
Day -12 2/4 Easter Eggs, Oh dear, I said I wasn't going to do this again this year, I should have left it later to buy them.
Day -11 0/4 Easter Eggs left.
Day -4 years, age 23.
My mum has been ages in the changing room of a very posh and expensive ladies clothes shop. This shop only goes up to a size 14 so I'm hanging around trying not to look too out of place. It's so embarrassing being 4 sizes bigger than the biggest size this shop offers. I spot a comfortable chair and set up camp, DRINKING WATER! My mum looks beautiful in the dress she's picked for my graduation, so we decide to leave. That's my mum, her new dress, myself and.... oh... I appear to be carrying some excess baggage... the chair I was/am still sitting on but now sitting on in an upright position.
I admit I've had a few close calls over the years, with chairs that is. I know at my hairdressers there are certain seats I must avoid for fear of becoming a permanent fixture. I know that deckchairs can also create trouble should I decided not to teeter on the end and go for the full recline. But never, no never, have I ever before got stuck in a chair. Not until today. Am I fat?
Day -1 Wish me luck for tomorrow, I think I'm going to need it.
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